Inspired by Marijke’s courage, I worked the one-liner “The worst thing that can happen is that everyone on this planet knows that I masturbate while watching porn”
In Q3, I feel exposed, naked, deep shame, and terror.
In Q4, I’m here, now, sharing this stressful thought with Michelle which is sharing with the one mind. And I shared a similar stressful thought with everyone in class. I am being thought, I am being dreamed. The thought itself isn’t stressful. It’s only when I attach to the shame around the thought that it becomes stressful. Am I interested in attaching to this shame around the thought and claim it as mine? No, not when I’m connected within and allowing the thought and the feeling to do its thing without labelling it. I experience that it’s so much more peaceful and easier to allow the thought to let go of me instead of holding onto the thought and the shame around it.
In the TA “The best thing that can happen,” I see that my worst fear, the exhaustion and stress of holding onto this thought, and the vulnerability is no longer there. Freedom takes its place. I don’t need to hide anything from anyone because there is nothing left to hide. The thought has lost its terror, it’s just a thought, I do not attach shame to it and I am willing to and I look forward to everyone on this planet knowing that I masturbate while watching porn. The day after my partner work with Michelle, I walked along the streets in Cambridge, catching people’s eye and telling them in my mind that I masturbate while watching porn. And I experienced liberation. The big test was my acupuncturist. As he looked at me asking me questions about my health, I looked him in the eye and spoke to him in my mind “I masturbate while watching porn,” and it felt such a relief to bring it out into the light with no judgment on his part (and he had no idea what I was saying to him in my mind.). This was Q4 in action! It was enormously freeing giving myself this practical exercise in Cambridge.
“the one mind” as you note above Cecillia.
I was listening to Eckhart Tolle tonight and he spoke a little about the collective consciousness which has a strong pull. “Don’t be Impatient with yourself. We are dealing with collective consciousness, no personal problems of yours, we are dealing with collective mind patterns that have been around for thousands of years that each individual inherit it, , so it is a monumental thing that’s happening now that more and more humans are able to evolve beyond the inherited collective mind patterns ,but they’re still very strong, they have an enormous pull still. It would be silly to deny that that the pull is still strong and so it’s not a personal problem of yours, it’s an evolutionary transition, mis-perceived as a personal problem”
This is a confirmation for me of the work that we did together this last week as you note above Cecilia – one mind. This takes me to the notion that there is a collective consciousness (one mind and that there is no new thought – they are all recycled). And so there is a collective consciousness for many thoughts/beliefs and in this case the UB that it is bad or shameful to masturbate and watch porn. I can hear Katy saying, I am not asking the world (collective consciousness), I am asking you? I am noticing that we make it so personal and all because of the phantom self……the ‘I’ …. ‘I’ masturbate. No ‘I’ and there is no problem. As you shared Cecilia, you could be having a cup of tea, there is no difference other than the meaning that we (collective consciousness) put on to it and in this. We just got attached and I can find my innocence in this. I can also see how everyone is innocent as they got pulled or pulled themselves into the one mind too. How sweet this is to see.
Wow, what a powerful practice, Cecilia! I love the idea of telling random people about my secrets in my mind. About the topic, I have a friend who recently found out that her husband is watching porn and masturbates. She keeps saying that she thinks it is so grosse and that she thinks of him as a dirty little man. Now, I notice that I don’t dare to tell her that I’m doing that too. There is a fear that she will think the same things about me too. And I notice a desire to tell her! It feels ‘off’ to hide it for her. It feels off for me. So, I’m wondering if I have the guts… (The) Work in progress! I’ll post here when done 🙂
I worked on the thought: The worst thing that can happen is that I say that I don’t care about the News (on TV) and I held the current news in my mind which is the Russian/Ukraine war. I feel great shame around this thought as it means to me that I don’t care about what is happening to people in other countries and more specifically Ukraine. It also means that I don’t care enough to pay attention to the news as everyone (in my mind) does and I don’t and that means that I am bad.
The situation I anchored into was sharing this thought in a future session at one of Tom Compton’s classes as I fear that I will be judged for ‘not caring’ as others have shared stressful thoughts about the war. I am afraid to be seen as uncaring and through the inquiry I noticed that I want to uphold the identity of the caring one.
The TA: The best thing that can happen is that I say that I don’t care about the news (holding specifically the war in my mind). I imagined feeling a sense of relief for letting this out into the light. I felt emptied of which felt like a tonne of energy which appeared to be trapped inside me whilst being afraid to let this thought out into this group. I noticed that it would be the best place to share this thought as everyone in this specific group/community is working on their stressful thoughts and so it would be the best place as it is safe.
I saw in Q3 how I house this thought and the feelings that come with it inside me and I allow it to live in me. I also saw so many parts of me. the part that wants to shout it out and the part of me that is too afraid to share it for fear of loosing love and approval from others and so there is an internal push and pull.
Cecilia asked me an interesting question – If you don’t watch the news – does that means that you don’t care? I seen from this that I believed that if I watch the news about the war and suffer, then that would prove to me and to others that I care. There is a part of me that believes I need to suffer in some way to prove that I care and so I can be explore this more deeply. I have observed people do the work on this when there has been a death in the family or in other situations and they feel that they need to suffer to care and I resonate. I have a fear that If I don’t then I will be seen as not caring and kicked out of love.
I became aware that I don’t watch the news to save myself some ‘unnecessary suffering’ over and above the my ‘everyday suffering’ however, I seen that I am keeping the suffering about this specific thought alive in me as I push it down or ignore it and so this strategy is not working. I can see that I can bring it into the light and see what unfolds from there and I know from experience that that the truth sets me free – so, we shall see what happens. It felt good to share this thought and do TW on it.
Since then, I read a chapter in a book by Eckhart Tolle that suggested watching the news as a spiritual practice and it jumped out at me or I jumped into it. I have set the intention to watch some news and practice witnessing the thinker.
I love reading this, Michelle! Me too, I don’t watch/read any news. And the funny thing is: I’m proud of that! I keep promoting people not to watch the news 🙂 Because I’ve noticed how much stress it gave me when I did watch the news. Every time I don’t watch/read news for a while, I’m feeling much more relaxed. So we’re doing the same (or ‘not doing’), but we have completely different experiences with it.
And indeed, I dó care! And, I have figured out that it doesn’t help anyone when I’m stressed over it. I find the exercise from Eckhart Tolle interesting and I’m hoping to be able to stay at peace while watching the news one day. Until now, I haven’t managed. So, I respect that and keep away from it. Until I don’t 🙂
I worked on the thought: (If clients knew I’m under treatment with a psychologist), “they’d lose trust in me”
What stood out for me was the stress of the hiding. Also, I felt a sense of manipulation and superiority towards the clients when believing this thought.
Without the thought, I am free to share or not. I feel transparant. A rush of energy going through my body. This feeling of transparently (another word for vulnerable) is the best feeling ever. It connects everything and everyone together. It’s a surrender of the highest order.
As I write this, I wonder: is a identity made of hidden parts? Without these hidden parts, it feels as if there is no identity anymore. Woman sitting in chair writing words on laptop. Seeing birds fly by. Life is so simple and kind without the identification of the mind.
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