I will be on holidays from July 17th until Augustus 12th 2024. Messages will be answered a.s.a.p. after my holidays. Thank you for your understanding.
Ik ben op vakantie van 17 juli tot 12 augustus 2024. Berichten worden z.s.m. na mijn vakantie beantwoord. Bedankt voor je begrip.
6 Comments
Michelle · November 20, 2021 at 11:55 pm
It’s not okay for me to feel the fear because
– it’s very uncomfortable
– it’s very awkward
– it’s too overwhelming for me
– I will die with embarrassment
– I can’t stand the feelings
– People will see that I am weak
– I will not be able to function properly
– I will not be able to talk
– I will get tongue tied
– My words can’t come out my mouth
– I get paralyzed
– people will see that I am fearful
– people will see that I am weak
– people will talk about me
– people will look down on me
– people will see me as useless
–
Annaliese · November 25, 2021 at 4:31 pm
I did inquiry on the thought “Feeling the fear means I’m failing at life.” My moment was one of the countless times I find myself awake in the night and my thoughts start racing to all that I’m doing wrong, or my husband is doing wrong in life.
What I saw in it is how quickly I judge myself the moment I notice my judgemental thinking about our life. It’s like what gets called “a double whammy” or two punches – first I believe a thought about our life (ex: We’re doing it all wrong) and then I use that thought as proof that I’m doing it all wrong, because I’m up in the night with anxiety. The first thought is painful enough, but the second one is a death sentence. I spiral into the black abyss, totally alone, and can never get out….
In this inquiry, as in last week’s, what emerges in question 4 without the thought is a scene where I am awake in bed at night, lying next to my husband. I am in a quiet little bubble of night, with dark stillness all around me. And in that moment I notice thoughts and sensations in my body. That’s all. There is nothing else happening. As I survey that scene without the thought that I’m failing at life, I see that moment as a little retreat away from all the busy moments of the day. I am awake while the rest of the world around me sleeps. No one needs me. Nothing is there to distract me. And without the thought I am curious about the feelings I notice inside me, and the thoughts that come. I lean into them. I get very close. The black whole that I feared in question 3 now feels like a safe little place inside me, like when I would hide under a blanket as a child and explore a little world with only me in it. I love that feeling. It’s so cozy, so safe.
As I sat in question 4 this week I came to love that moment of finding myself awake in the night, with thoughts and sensations visiting me. It’s such a gift to be alone with myself in that moment, meeting myself at my heart’s door, saying “Oh, it’s you, the one that gets called anxiety. Come in please. What is it you want to show me?” And then I notice a sensation in my body. As I watch it moves and shifts. If it fades, and then returns, I don’t react in fear “Oh no, it’s back! It won’t leave me alone! Help!” Instead I see that I have another chance to meet it at the door, “Oh, hello again. Come in….”
This new vision of these moments at night was so palpable in my inquiry that I have been able to remember when I wake in the night the past few nights that I’m not failing at life, but have been given an opportunity to meet myself. It has felt like learning to use a new muscle I didn’t know I had, to meet myself at my heart’s door and welcome in the thought/feeling that I used to call anxiety. Last night I kept noticing that everything was fine, that there was no way for me to know that I was failing at anything, and to notice that I felt strong as I leaned in and noticed the sensations in my body. Then, after a while, I would notice that I’m still not falling back asleep and I the thought would come that I’m failing and that the anxiety is too strong for me. Somehow, grace would show me that this is another moment to meet the feeling at the door, and I would lean in and allow. Over and over this happened – fear that anxiety was overtaking me, and then noticing that I’m fine. And I kept noticing that I was being gifted this experience in a little black bubble of night, all wrapped around me safe and warm.
Several times when the fearful thoughts came I considered waking my husband and asking him to do inquiry with me. But as it happened I never did. I never quite needed to.
marijketops · November 27, 2021 at 8:13 pm
Thank you for sharing, Annaliese! I can relate to so much, also the wanting to wake my husband up in the middle of the night 🙂
Annaliese · November 25, 2021 at 4:38 pm
“When you are trained, like a great athlete, to immediately relax through your edges when they get hit, then it’s all over. You realize that you will always be fine. Nothing can ever bother you except your edges, and now you know what to do with them. You end up loving your edges because they point your way to freedom. All you have to do is constantly relax and lean into them. Then one day, when you least expect it, you fall through to the infinite. That’s what it means to go beyond.”
-Micheal Singer
Annaliese · November 25, 2021 at 4:42 pm
I’m learning what to do with my edges, those moments in the night when thoughts and feelings come (what I used to call anxiety). I’m learning to love them for what they are – little retreats, away from my busy days, when there is absolutely nothing else to do but meet my dear sweet self under a warm blanket. What a gift!
Michelle · November 26, 2021 at 12:10 am
This is a great share – I feel joy reading your experiences. Thank you so much for sharing xo