Michelle · November 11, 2021 at 4:13 pm

This session is entitled Judging. I noticed whilst questioning .. The worst thing that can happen is that they will see my vulnerability. I anchored into a specific situation with an old school friend I met in a store. I noticed in my inquiry that I judge myself for having a panic attack and all the physical responses that are visable to others …like a bright red face. This has been my proof that people will SEE my vulnerability as my face is bright red and I can’t hide it. I noticed how much I judge myself for having this panic attack and for not being able to control it and for not being able to get rid of it 31 years since I recall them starting. The judgement against myself for having them and the internal violence causes a lot of the suffering compared to the actual senstations I experience that are over in one or less than minutes.

Another thing I noticed in one of the TAa….. I will see my vulnerability…… was interesting. I saw two parts to this. It’s like I hold/use the thought that “they will see my vulnerability” to keep the focus away from myself as I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT. I also shared that I did not look my friend in the eye as I may see that she see’s my vulnerability and I don’t want to see that. It’s like I will do whatever it takes to not see it. I am denying. It’s like I won’t look at the monster in the eye because then I will be powerless to change it and will have to ‘be weak and vulnerable’ and I am not having that. The other part that I saw in this TA is that I seen my vulnerability with a different eye. In Q4 – without the thought – I experienced being what I call being vulnerable although it was a very peaceful experience. I noticed that I was IN myself, as in I stayed with me and was looking around in the body noticing the changes that were going on. I did not go over to my friend and go into her mind and see what she was thinking of me. There was also an acceptance of my experience in that there was no judgement of what I was experiencing without the thought – they’ll see my vulnerability.
Overall, I see that I am projecting onto my friend what I am doing with me and that is hiding my vulnerability from myself and rather than see this, I chose to hide it from others as best I can and I am more afraid of me seeing it than I am them. I also noticed that I see it as weak and bad to be vulnerable and some memories showed up of when I was a child and decided to hide my vulnerability as to protect myself from being abused by others. It was a form of protection towards myself and I see that it was hard work as I was always on guard. I also see that I am holding up a false sense of identity as I seen that I am hiding and am afraid of revealing myself. I also resonated with my partner’s work. I resonated with the judgement towards myself that I have because of the panic attacks which causes more suffereing than the actual sensations.