Cecilia Hollick · April 6, 2022 at 6:15 pm

I love this exercise, feeling the vulnerability then turning the action to the opposite and meditating on it.

The first situation I meditated on was how vulnerable and exposed I used to feel in my “A” level English literature class. We would all sit around a big table and I would physically hide behind the person next to me so that the teacher wouldn’t see me and ask me a question.

Another situation was at work about 20 years ago. I was in an open plan office and I felt vulnerable and exposed whenever I was on the telephone because I knew other people could hear me.

And then, at dinners each night with the New Year mountaineering crowd in Scotland, I felt vulnerable and exposed surrounded by, in my opinion, knowledgeable and intelligent people.

And I notice that the common thread throughout all of these situations is being afraid of expressing myself or my opinion for fear of what other people think of me.

1a. To hide my vulnerability in this situation:-
“A” level class: I make myself as small as possible and physically hide behind someone. I tell myself “I hate this class. I don’t want to be here.”

1b. Turning this action into an opposite:
I make myself seen. I’m willing to and looking forward to joining in and being part of the class. I can learn something here about the subject and about myself. I look at the teacher. I’m connected within and if she asks me a question I don’t understand, I pause, I don’t have to give an answer immediately, I close my eyes, I go within, and if an answer doesn’t come, I’m connected and confident as I say “I don’t know.”

2a. To hide my vulnerability in this situation:-
Telephoning in public: I try to create an environment where I feel I’m on my own. I look down and don’t make eye contact with anyone around me. I pretend to myself that it’s only me and the person on the other end of the line. I shut down to everything going on around me.

2b Turning this action into an opposite:
I enjoy the busy, friendly, atmosphere of this open plan office, I’m connected within as I pick up the telephone, it’s all so ordinary, no big deal. I focus on the caller while being aware of my environment.

3a. To hide my vulnerability in this situation:-
Dinners at New Year: I sit there and try to make myself bigger, puff myself up almost. I make myself look knowledgeable and interested. I listen. I remain silent. I assent with everyone else.

3b. Turning this action into an opposite:
I’m amongst friends whom I’ve known for years. I’m relaxed, receptive and chatty. I love these dinners spanning a week over New Year – they are such a great opportunity to connect with my friends many of whom I don’t see from one New Year to the next. If the conversation is something outside my sphere, I ask questions. I’m genuinely interested in them and what they are saying. I feel genuinely myself.

So tomorrow, a friend (one of the New Year crowd) is coming for dinner, just me and her. And I always feel vulnerable and unintelligent with her. So, having done these meditations, I am looking forward to this dinner where I can knowingly practise invulnerability and be my authentic beautiful self rather than trying to appear in control. I am looking forward to enjoying our evening together.