The first thing that came to mind with the question “What makes a thought shameful?” is MORE thoughts! A judgement of what should be or how things should be. Thoughts gone wild that trigger emotions.
I think the belief of I need to be punished, is what I did/do with shameful thoughts. I tried desparately to control myself. I felt/feel out of control when I have a shameful thought. I hide and isolate myself so I don’t get too close to people. I judge myself and others harshly. I self medicate with food or alcohol to numb myself from shameful thoughts.
Feelings – I feel despair when shame arises. Like I’ll never make it, never be good enough, I’ll never overcome all the negative BS in my mind. I feel hopeless, like a lost cause. I want to give up, feel depressed, disgusting and flawed.
What do I fear – I fear being found out, I feel like an imposter – like the face I put on is a mask, I compensate OMG! I compensate for the fault. I want to be super nice, super helpful – try to prove my worth and my value because underneath I am not enough. If you only knew who I really am – what I really thought…..Fear of judgement and others being “right” about me. I will be left behind if I didn’t fight – abandoned.
The consequences are not living an authentic, open, vulnerable full life. The consequences are lonliness, isolation. And no, it is not working. I still feel abandoned, lonely and isolated. And SURPRISE! Exhausted. I don’t have the energy for what lights me up as much as I would like.
Hello Kim, it sounds painful and exhausting.
Very good noticing, Kim. We can only consciously change what we are aware of 🙂
What makes a thought shameful is believing I AM the thought – the thought shows who I really am. I notice my shameful thoughts are about me harming others (in my belief) – making me bad – or wanting to be superior in some way. I see this as wrong – this do not fit my images of the wonderful person I want to be.
To avoid shameful thought and cope with them when they arise I make myself busy. I put on a pokerface – hide and avoid people. Move my body quickly and constantly – restless in it. Tell my self desperately I’ll get over it; I’ll be better/normal one day. Judge myself and others and wish I would be on another planet. Might sooth myself with alcohol and food or reading spiritual stuff. Spend most of my free time in workshops to help accept myself. . . (or to be honest) change myself.
My emotions are sadness, loneliness and fear. It’s like I’m an outcast – if people would just know. Guilt is heavy; how could I be thinking so crasy thoughts? There is something really wrong with me.
I have to fight my shameful thoughts otherwise people my find out and I have no chance of being a part of the society and I can’t go to heaven – where ever that is. I won’t tolerate myself any longer if I don’t change.
Trying to push thoughts away cost me a lot of guilt – all my focus go on that thought. I’m constantly trying to convince myself that I’m a good person – and I’m ok and normal – and I don’t belief it. It’s not working. The consequences are I avoid people and discussions that relate to my thinking. I’m on the outlook, stressed out, not authentic. My life is about survive and protecting myself to get others approval.
“What makes a thought shameful is believing I AM the thought” Yes, that’s exactly my experience too! We identify ourselves so much with the thought that we believe we ARE what the thought claims. I love that you have become aware of all the suffering that believing the thought(s) creates for you.
“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness, will we find out the infinite power of our light” ~ Brené Brown
Thank you for sharing that Helga. Yes Identifying ME as the thought and believing it.
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