1) What’s the worst that can happen if someone finds out? Make a list. Do inquiry on one or more items of this list.
Answer: I’ll be excluded – No one will trust me – I’ll be belittled in the media – loose loved ones – My business will collapse
2) What do you think people will believe about you when they find out? Make a list. Do inquiry on one or more items of this list.
Answer: I’m a fraud – I’m selfish and cruel – I’m a liar – I’m dangerous
3) Whose judgments do you fear the most? Why?
I fear mostly judgement from family and friends because if they abandon me; loneliness and sadness will be too painful to bear. I also find it nesessary to be a good role model for my kids.
Choose one thought of your list of shameful thoughts and answer these questions: 1) What’s the worst that can happen if someone finds out? Make a list. Do inquiry on one or more items of this list.
I want my parents to give us more money.
If people someone found this out-
They’ll judge me as lazy.
They will judge me as selfish.
They will judge me for not being more grateful for all the generosity and gifts my parents do give us.
They’ll scold me for not trying harder to make money on my own and allowing myself to be dependent on my parents like a little girl.
They’ll tell me to go get a job.
They will be disgusted by me.
Inquiry-
They will be disgusted by me.
1. Yes.
2. No.
3. Benefit of the thought- protecting me from feeling judged, feeling hurt, feeling vulnerable,
Image of telling my aunt this thought- getting into her business, I compare myself to her kids. How hard they’re all working. How competent and capable they are. (Not that this has happened- it’s an imagined situation)
Image of a friend asking me if I’m bored with my kids in school since I’m not working many hours during the week.
Physical tightness around my heart, a little constriction in my throat.
Lots of pressure around my chest
Image of my husband getting disgusted by me and sharing that.
Treat myself- as wrong for thinking that thought, as stupid for sharing my thoughts and desires, as if I should shut myself up
Treat others- as judgmental, mean, ready to pounce on whatever I say and find me disgusting.
Past image of talking with my father. Sometimes this is the way I feel when I talk to him.
Image of my mom calling me spoiled.
Emotions- shame, fear, grief
4. W/o the thought I am
1. Open to allowing the person to have the response that they have and then open to hearing it. Opening myself up to a real authentic connection.
2. Applauding myself for being vulnerable- wow Rachael- that was really brave of you. You have spent so many years hiding. Look how you are sharing your shameful thoughts now! As you give yourself permission to share what is dark within you, you will give permission to those around you to share what is dark within them. Then the darkness in you and in them can then see the light.
TAs- I will be disgusted by me.
– That was the image- I didn’t even let them have a reaction. I took on the disgust I assumed they would have and experienced disgust for myself before I would even let them respond.
TA- I will be disgusted by them.
– If they responded in a disgusted way I would probably get defensive, hurt, angry- lots of reactivity
TA: They will not be disgusted by me.
– I can’t know how they’ll react- that’s not my business
– When I’ve mentioned to people that I don’t work a lot of hours most people are usually pretty happy for me.
– I’m sure most people have a part of themselves that wishes they could be taken care of and not have to work hard to make money- it’s an understandable desire.
whats the worst that can happen? I would be abandoned, shunned or ostracized. An outcast
what would people think of me if they found out? people would judge me as cruel, They would have confirmation about how bad they thought I was all along.
who’s judgements do I fear the most? Family and Friends. Why because without them I be lonely and isolated.
The asnwers are things I feel or believe a lot. Not just with this particular thought. These “demons” go with me most everywhere about everything!
6 Comments
Helga Birgisdóttir · October 5, 2022 at 5:25 pm
1) What’s the worst that can happen if someone finds out? Make a list. Do inquiry on one or more items of this list.
Answer: I’ll be excluded – No one will trust me – I’ll be belittled in the media – loose loved ones – My business will collapse
2) What do you think people will believe about you when they find out? Make a list. Do inquiry on one or more items of this list.
Answer: I’m a fraud – I’m selfish and cruel – I’m a liar – I’m dangerous
3) Whose judgments do you fear the most? Why?
I fear mostly judgement from family and friends because if they abandon me; loneliness and sadness will be too painful to bear. I also find it nesessary to be a good role model for my kids.
marijketops · October 5, 2022 at 6:53 pm
It looks like you’ve found some juicy stuff, Helga!
Rachael Gottesman · October 7, 2022 at 3:40 am
Choose one thought of your list of shameful thoughts and answer these questions: 1) What’s the worst that can happen if someone finds out? Make a list. Do inquiry on one or more items of this list.
I want my parents to give us more money.
If people someone found this out-
They’ll judge me as lazy.
They will judge me as selfish.
They will judge me for not being more grateful for all the generosity and gifts my parents do give us.
They’ll scold me for not trying harder to make money on my own and allowing myself to be dependent on my parents like a little girl.
They’ll tell me to go get a job.
They will be disgusted by me.
Inquiry-
They will be disgusted by me.
1. Yes.
2. No.
3. Benefit of the thought- protecting me from feeling judged, feeling hurt, feeling vulnerable,
Image of telling my aunt this thought- getting into her business, I compare myself to her kids. How hard they’re all working. How competent and capable they are. (Not that this has happened- it’s an imagined situation)
Image of a friend asking me if I’m bored with my kids in school since I’m not working many hours during the week.
Physical tightness around my heart, a little constriction in my throat.
Lots of pressure around my chest
Image of my husband getting disgusted by me and sharing that.
Treat myself- as wrong for thinking that thought, as stupid for sharing my thoughts and desires, as if I should shut myself up
Treat others- as judgmental, mean, ready to pounce on whatever I say and find me disgusting.
Past image of talking with my father. Sometimes this is the way I feel when I talk to him.
Image of my mom calling me spoiled.
Emotions- shame, fear, grief
4. W/o the thought I am
1. Open to allowing the person to have the response that they have and then open to hearing it. Opening myself up to a real authentic connection.
2. Applauding myself for being vulnerable- wow Rachael- that was really brave of you. You have spent so many years hiding. Look how you are sharing your shameful thoughts now! As you give yourself permission to share what is dark within you, you will give permission to those around you to share what is dark within them. Then the darkness in you and in them can then see the light.
TAs- I will be disgusted by me.
– That was the image- I didn’t even let them have a reaction. I took on the disgust I assumed they would have and experienced disgust for myself before I would even let them respond.
TA- I will be disgusted by them.
– If they responded in a disgusted way I would probably get defensive, hurt, angry- lots of reactivity
TA: They will not be disgusted by me.
– I can’t know how they’ll react- that’s not my business
– When I’ve mentioned to people that I don’t work a lot of hours most people are usually pretty happy for me.
– I’m sure most people have a part of themselves that wishes they could be taken care of and not have to work hard to make money- it’s an understandable desire.
marijketops · October 7, 2022 at 8:47 am
I always love to find the extreme opposite in the turn-arounds, in this case: the opposite of disgusted… “They will be … by me”
Kim Kaufman · October 7, 2022 at 4:19 am
whats the worst that can happen? I would be abandoned, shunned or ostracized. An outcast
what would people think of me if they found out? people would judge me as cruel, They would have confirmation about how bad they thought I was all along.
who’s judgements do I fear the most? Family and Friends. Why because without them I be lonely and isolated.
The asnwers are things I feel or believe a lot. Not just with this particular thought. These “demons” go with me most everywhere about everything!
marijketops · October 7, 2022 at 8:49 am
Good noticing, Kim. That’s my experience too, that I project my self-critical thoughts on everything and everyone. Precious to be aware of this.