I felt unsecure while I was reading my thoughts, a lot of sadness and shame. Confuced. Didn‘t know we were going to read for each others (good that I didn‘t know it ahead.) Felt lucky I wasn‘t the first to read.
I felt the need to explain; I needed your understanding so you wouldn‘t judge me for being crazy, selfich, cruel.
I‘ve not yet written down my most horroble thought – not sure I ever will. Feels like I‘m a maniac and unforgiveable if people would know. I find that thought most discussing and it proofs I‘m not good.
I was looking down most of the times because I didn‘t have the courage to look up – I was ashamed. Also it helped me focused within and not get owerwelmed.
My underlying beliefs: „I need to get rid of those thoughts“ „Bad thoughts show I‘m a bad person“ „I need their understanding“ “I have to get freedom from my shame”
When you feel called to share your uttermost shameful thought at one moment during our upcoming two classes, Helga, you are free to do so. And, you’re also free to not share it.
Let’s say, that’s it, we are judging you for being selfish, cruel and crazy. What is the worst thing that could happen?
If you judged me for being selfish, cruel and crazy, then I might belief I really am that, like I have proofs.
“I would isolate myself”
“I’ll be an outcast”
“I have no right to be alive”
“shame would be unbearable for me to handle”
I was relieved I didn’t go first. I did skip over one thought when reading but did come back to it. I was like – its all over now might as well “go for it”. Can’t even recall the thought now. When i first started reading it was like a checklist and I was disconnected – felt sterile. Then when asked to look at everyone it helped to own them. I think being on zoom felt safer than if I were in person. Like zoom presented a false sense of security somehow.
I was also jealous a bit when Helga opened and cried sharing her list. I felt I didn’t go deep enough and was happy she could but I wanted that. I also felt awkward when Rachael was smiling or had a slight chuckle. I felt dismissed, insignificant at first, but then also common ground – like “she had that thought too” so I’m ok.
When discussing with my partner I noticed I believed I needed to make it all better. I did want to sit down and explain the situation and circumstance on some of them. For understanding maybe. Maybe validation that I wasn’t as bad as I think I am. If you think I’m ok, then maybe I can too. Then I shifted into – this is humanity. This is being human. These thoughts – we didn’t cause them, we can’t cure them and we can’t control them”. I also wondered “what makes a thought MINE”. What makes a thought ME. If I am not that, then what am I? Felt confusion then I let it go because I don’t know.
This belief I have to make it(thoughts mind me, etc) all better – I felt like a hamster stuck in a wheel and couldn’t get off – just switch directions getting more and more stressed and controlling. Hating myself, my thoughts, my everything. How hard I have worked at that. With the gentle question “is it working” by Helga, it was like a gentle waking from a dream. I realized NO and if it were to have worked, it would have worked decades ago! Back to didn’t cause it, cant cure it or control it. A cup of tea felt in order as I pondered the endless possibilities that I felt when before I couldn’t see a way out.
I noticed also going to workshop after workshop like a junkie trying to get a fix, I was trying to Fix myself make it all better. Self care – isn’t self care when you believe you need to fix something. It’s like going to a mechanic of truly taking care, being gentle and tender.
Such powerful insights, Kim! <3
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” ~ Albert Einstein
I love that: this is humanity.
* What were you feeling before, during and after the sharing?
Before- nervous. When Marijke and Nanou Anne announced that the class was called sharing I felt anxious.
During- I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I think I also rushed and dissociated a little bit to get through it.
After- I felt a little lighter, also a little sensitive and vulnerable
* Did you want to explain yourself, the situation, the circumstances? Why?
I don’t remember having that feeling. I do remember judging the way I had organized the list. I have been distancing from the list and so when I organized it I did it quickly without much consideration and realized the end of my list felt more shameful than the middle.
* Did you notice defense? For example: laughing, talking, sighing, apologizing, dismissing, trivializing, bypassing emotions, etc.? If yes, what did you want? What were you afraid of losing?
I think I laughed. Definitely bypassed emotions.As a teenager I was once admired for the fact that even though I’m afraid I still do things. As I’ve gotten older I have realized that I don’t always have to do things if I’m afraid. Sometimes it is ok to slow down and take care of that fear. I so admired Helga when she said she needed a minute and composed herself and continued when she was ready. She was my teacher showing me how to care for myself. I can slow down and continue when I feel ready. Or talk about how not ready I feel. That might help too.
* Did you skip or change any of your thoughts? If yes, why?
I may have left some parts out- I think when I was saying I make money irresponsibly- I had more in my list about that but didn’t want to over explain. I also felt like I was taking too long.
* How did you read your thoughts? Did you keep your eyes down on purpose? If so, why? Did you look at us? If so, why?
I did not slow down, breathe or look up as much as I would have liked. I think I was too embarrassed. Too ashamed. Too guilty to slow down.
* Did you want to hide your emotions? If so, how? Why?
I have a strong protective part and I don’t remember feeling much while I was sharing the list. I think that is one of the benefits of rushing. And not looking up. I was in my own bubble and not feeling so connected to myself or to the group while reading.
* Did you notice underlying beliefs? If so, which ones? Do inquiry on them.
The group is judging me.
The group thinks I’m disgusting and disturbing.
The group thinks these are more than just thoughts.
The group thinks that thought is who I am.
That thought is too much for them.
Thank you Rachael for answering the questions in depth. I love the: I can slow down and continue when I feel ready.
Thank you Rachael for “The group thinks that thought is who I am.” I see without the belief I wouldn’t be afraid at all. I also find fear facing my thoughts like I would then see and belief that my my thoughts are me!
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